I noticed on my morning walk that it’s almost K-bar deer season. “Huh?” is a reasonable reaction. A few years ago, Amazon had K-bar’s on sale. I have absolutely no use for one, but they’re the knife of the Marine Corp, so they’re cool. I thought about it, considering that my purchase of Axe body spray didn’t give me washboard abs, and decided that buying a knife would not make me Marine-cool, either. Somewhat amazingly, I did not purchase one. A few weeks later, I noticed how not-afraid-of-people the city deer are. I thought to myself, I thought, “one could hunt them with just a K-bar.”
And thus the fantasy was born: I’m puttering about in the back yard when a deer walks up. My eyes narrow and my muscles tense as adrenaline turns me into primal hunter. I leap upon the deer’s back and slash its throat. Roaring with victory, I stand above my vanquished foe. I’m not a complete idiot – I don’t even fantasize about making the leap with the K-bar clenched in my jaws. Really, I don’t.
Then my imagination engages and I start simulating it out.
Only occasionally during my lifetime have I been in “leap upon” anything shape. Now, I have age to add to that. My leap is far more likely to be a staggering shuffle.
I’m not sure my body knows what “fight or flight” even is. I’m more the “freeze like deer in headlights” type while my brain struggles to figure out what’s going on. Should I happen to actually land on the deer’s back, I would have unhelpful thoughts running through my head. “Woo! I made it!” “How do I hang on to this thing?” “Why can’t I grab the knife?” “Where are we going?” While I pondered, the deer would buck me off.
I have no idea how to use a knife. I know they stab and slice, but when and how to do which is not obvious. Does one stab the neck, then pull across to slice? Just slice so the knife doesn’t get stuck?
I know nothing about deer anatomy. How does one reach around the front of deer’s neck while hanging on to its back? If I’ve got a deer in a guillotine, how do I use the knife? Is that even necessary? Should I be cutting on the near side rather than reaching across the front? Where is the jugular on a deer?
My imagination says the best-case scenario is that I frighten the deer with my clumsy approach and it runs away, unscathed. It’s hard to determine a worst-case scenario. There are so many ways that I end up trampled with broken bones. There are dropping-the-knife scenarios and knife-stuck-in-deer scenarios.
All that is not even including the “now what?” issues should the fantasy actually work out. I rise victorious – and covered in blood – and then what?
Reality is just going to have to miss out on this one. It’s not even worth thinking about, let alone attempting. Nonetheless, I think about a K-bar every time I walk past a deer.
Marked Up 