Research time! My narrator talks. I _think_ this is genre standard, but I need to do some checking on when and where.
The fight scenes are all 3rd person. One does not see the fights from our intrepid hero’s perspective. The narrator speaks during fights. This is standard.
Bloody but unbowed, our intrepid hero dove back into the fight.
That’s the narrator talking to the reader. And some subordinate clauses with participles and it’s bog-standard.
After backing off to reset and catch his breath, our bloody but unbowed hero dove back into the fight with abandon, swinging his axe like momentum was a concept that only applied to lesser beings.
I try to avoid the latter, but not because of the narrator. The long sentences and participles interrupt the pace of the fight.
Based on a small sample, the narrator does not speak “near” dialog. If characters are talking, the narrator is not. An occasional setup/teardown interjection seems not unusual, but intra-dialog definitely is not.
A third category, which I call “it needs to be said, but let’s get it over with”, is the exposition of what’s happening between the other two things. I need to sample more books before being sure. It appears this is “author’s choice”. Some do. Some don’t.
Asides are another category.
He thought everything was fine. He was wrong.
This is common. I need to be sure I keep it away from dialog, though.
I see it. It’s definitely disruptive. Getting rid of it is harder. The narrator POV needs to be moved into the dialog and shown. At least I know why I did it. It’s easier this way.
…who knows how well our games reflect what’s actually going on, whatever that is.”
Hunting varmints had taken more out of them than they had realized, or maybe it was the stress of the world ending. Either way, the food and beer left them yawning.
“Something to keep an eye on. I’m ready for bed, you?”
Another comment was that they’re too calm. Tom is noticeably over-calm, by design. Luke is supposed to be freaking out and trying not to be the guy who runs around screaming. That’s not coming across, so he needs to be more emotional.
So, rip out the narrator POV switch and add some frustration with tiredness to that.
Moar Dialogz!
…who knows how well our games reflect what’s actually going on, whatever the fuck that is.” His rising frustration was interrupted by a yawn.
“It has been a long day,” Tom agreed, stretching.
“Long? That’s the word you choose?” Luke’s voice rose. “What about ‘insane’, ‘apocalyptic’, ‘nightmarish’, or even just ‘fucked up’?!?”
“What about ‘exciting’? We turn into wolves. That’s exciting,” Tom replied calmly with a grin.
Luke rolled his eyes and took a deep breath – again. “And chased varmints like puppies on crack.”
He finished his beer. Another yawn escaped. “The level-ups were nice,” he admitted.
“With that in mind, time for bed?”
It’s definitely better – and I got to keep the word ‘varmint’.
Marked Up 