I wouldn’t write this:
The wind, a fickle and capricious force, whispered through the leaves, carrying with it the scent of pine, damp earth, and something else… something wild and untamed. The branches of the ancient trees groaned and creaked under the wind’s unseen hand, a chorus of mournful sounds that echoed through the silent forest.
I could write that, but I wouldn’t. There’s no value judgement in that. I don’t dislike that quote. It’s just not my style.
Should it be? Do I need better descriptions?
That’s from The System Arrives. Book four came out. I started reading it and had no idea what was going on. I went back to book one to read the summary. Much to my surprise, my review was at the top. I decided to start over. I remember the premise, but I don’t remember what happens.
I don’t really “approve” of the premise. One dude is picked as the representative of humanity for System evaluation. My problem with that is purely statistical: The sample size vs population size. Obviously, he’s our intrepid hero.
What makes this one stand out is that our intrepid hero has a family. As I state in my review, I’m far more interested in what happens to his left-behind family after he’s whisked off for evaluation (for 400 years) than I am in what happens to him. We know what happens to him: He’s the OP intrepid hero; he will be fine.
This one also mostly summarizes fights rather than describing them blow-by-blow. I’m not a huge fan of blow-by-blow fights, although I’ve been writing some. It seems to be a genre expectation.
It does have the time issue that’s so prevalent in LitRPG.
His first encounter, a jarring reminder of this world’s brutal reality, came swiftly. … Instinct, honed by his recent trials, took over.
This is his sixth (perhaps seventh) dungeon dive. “recent trials” works for the previous five. “Instinct, honed by” seems grandiose for something that’s been going on for three weeks (two dives per week is his training schedule).
Think of saying something like that after three weeks of boot camp, which is 24/7 not a couple of hours per week. It’s ridiculous.
It’s also good. Amazon readers agree. 4.5 stars with over 2,200 reviews.
I’m going to both consider more florid descriptions and continue my battle to manage time.
Oh. I need a failed cover for the featured image… I like it, but what’s up with the Narnian lampposts?
Update: The author also participles:
Robert, drawing his sword, met their attack head-on.
Robert drew his sword and met their attack head-on.
That’s definitely a me problem. There is nothing wrong with participle-ing. I just find it over used.
Wow. Once one starts nitpicking, it doesn’t end.
Reacting quickly, Robert cast an Air Bullet, a concentrated blast of compressed air, striking the cat and inflicting minor damage, more of an annoyance than a serious wound.
Drop all the comma clauses: “Robert cast an Air Bullet striking the cat and inflicting minor damage.” That’s not a sentence – with or without a comma between “Bullet” and “striking”.
Note to self: I need to search-and-replace “barred” and “barring”. One does not bar teeth. One bares teeth. I’m inconsistent. I noticed because this author gets it right.
Update: Caught up to the author. There is one point-of-view switch back to his family. It’s still relatively recent. Book four is about four years in. From a calendar-time perspective, probably not much has happened to them, yet. As opposed to our intrepid hero who is grinding levels like a madman – or intrepid hero.
Marked Up 