From Chapter 4:
… He kept his arms loose at his sides. Below his flexing knees, his well balanced feet didn’t shift.
Tom’s aim did.
“Ooof!” Luke grunted as a punch to his stomach landed.
I think that one works. A bit later:
Tom nodded, turned, and led the way toward the main lodge. The only other cabin with someone in it was on the way.
They approached this one with more caution. Unwarranted caution, as it turned out. They saw no one. They heard no one.
“No car,” Tom pointed out.
Not sure about that one. It gives the reader advance notice that the upcoming caution is not needed. On the one hand, it allows for a sense of “wow, you’re paranoid” on the reader’s part. On the other, it removes any tension that might exist over what will be found.
At best, it’s gimmicky. I deleted that sentence.
Shortly after, I flipped Tom’s and Luke’s personalities, again. Reversed the dialog attribution; all fixed. This happened a lot at the beginning before they had gelled in my mind.
BTW: Page counts (8×11 pages):
- Chapter 1: 5 pages, 1,106 words
- Chapter 2: 6 pages, 2,475 words (no character sheets to eat space)
- Chapter 3: 6 pages, 2,357 words
- Chapter 4: 6 pages, 2,568 words
- Chapter 5: 7 pages, 3,040 words (narrator hunt paused here)
- Chapter 6: 9 pages, 4,285 words
- Chapter 7: 8 pages, 3,094 words
- Chapter 8: 14 pages, 5,982 words (we finally leave the campground!)
Marked Up 