The narrator can be difficult to spot in the crepuscular gloaming. There is a point to this, two actually: To list the one’s that I’ve caught and to justify what I leave behind. I’m not necessarily “right”, but I will have a reason.
…let’s get back to the lodge, eat something, then we can figure out what’s next.”
Left unsaid was that digging a grave was a lot of work and they could both use the fuel.
“Deal,” Tom said.
I think that one works. It’s a note to the reader about something the characters explicitly do not want to talk about. It does break the dialog, though. I could be convinced to get rid of it.
Luke swallowed. “Let’s deal with it after eating. And we should check the radio again, too.”
They let the tension fade as they ate. Each thinking “what’s next?” in his own way.
They each grabbed a beer – it turned out that Phil, or perhaps Margret, had a stash – and headed for the truck.
Definitely a semicolon opportunity. Also seem innocuous at the end of dialog, not in the middle of it.
He was running. He was not silent.
He didn’t notice the eyes watching him from the shadows. Behind those eyes, a wolf watched in puzzlement. Had he been dropped on his head as a pup? What was he doing blundering around the woods?
“watching”/”watched” needs to be changed. First one changed to “tracking”.
I do this a lot. Can I just not “feel” it because I know the story? That’s the narrator foreshadowing. The wolf shows up many more times before they befriend her. The entire point of it is that the character doesn’t notice.
Good. My resolve was not tested. I had silently vowed to change one of them if another showed up. Chapter 5 ended, first.
Tom walked. Luke practiced Stalking. Tom found that amusing. The watching wolf, who neither of them noticed, was still confused. Must be dropped on head as puppy.
I’m not only justifying myself: That “who” should be “whom” (maybe, I’m kind-of sure), but it reads badly. I’m leaving it. The “be” instead of “have been” is on purpose, but the grammar flaw breaks the flow more than an articulate wolf does. Changed.
The radio blared to life when Tom started the truck. They heard a lot of bad news, but nothing actually informative. Lots of looting. Some blackouts. Fires everywhere; apparently people who are used to electric light don’t realize how dangerous fire can be.
That just sucks. Not sure this is better, but I got rid of the semicolon!
The radio blared to life when Tom started the truck. They heard a lot of bad news. Looting. Some blackouts. Fires everywhere. Nothing was said about the cause. Fireball spells? Candles? Molotov cocktails? Nothing actually informative. They turned the radio off.
I missed two trademarks. UFC became MMA fight. YouTube became ViewTube (as it is several other places).
Seeing it crippled, Luke darted in. Its front legs worked just fine. It slashed at him. Luke darted out faster. To the side to pick up the other hatchet. He advanced again. Dual Wielding kicked in.
That “to the side” clause is important for Dual Wielding to kick in, but I’ve hated that since I first wrote it. Fixed! Well, “better” at least.
Seeing it crippled, Luke darted in. Its front legs worked just fine. It slashed at him. Faster than he darted in, Luke leapt back, off to the side to pick up the other hatchet. He advanced again. Dual Wielding kicked in.
Twofer:
“Me, too,” Luke agreed. “I think just sleep, tonight. I’m tired. How far do you think we went?”
“A decent ways. 25, 30 miles. Hardly a record, but it would have wiped me out before,” Tom answered on his way to ‘his’ couch. By unspoken agreement, they had not used Phil and Margret’s bedroom.
The next morning, they poured over the map,
First, the narrator. I think it’s fine (although I need to watch for “by unspoken agreement”; this is the second one).
Should there be an intra-chapter break before “The next morning”? There is a time gap, but there is no narrative gap. And notice the chapter is not ending when they go to bed!
I’m leaving it alone – mainly because I don’t want to find out if the template update to use the paw-print has made it into this particular chapter.
I used it later, so I came back and added it here. And I got the paw print!
They crossed I-90 without issue. No one was around to see them. They turned northeast then loped along at a steady pace.
Just a status update. It’s not interrupting any dialog. I think it’s fine.
BTW: For those not counting, we are at +6 days. It might be a bit early for no interstate traffic at all, but none during the 2 minutes it takes to run across seems reasonable.
More running with a status update (the “lope”s are not as close in the text as they are here; I think that’s fine):
They loped along. Tom thought about what sort of a pack he wanted to lead. Luke thought about Tom’s plan. Neither said much.
This one falls into the stage directions category:
Luke shucked his pack, untied the rabbits, and got out his knife.
I actually added that late. I forgot they had packs, which becomes relevant later. I feel that things such as the pack need mentioning. It’s too easy to forget what they’re carrying if I leave it out until it becomes a plot point. Then it seems to appear magically from nowhere. I could be wrong and I’m over directing. I’m leaving it.
He laid his head on his paws and was quickly asleep. He dreamed of chasing rabbits.
I like that one. And it’s mid-chapter without an intra-chapter break. Paw inserted here, too.
Last one for the day (Chapter 9), but I think this one matters (one way or the other):
With practice, they would barely flicker into human form before returning to their increasingly natural wolf bodies. They were using an epic skill as a glorified shower.
Shift had other effects, which they didn’t notice. With each Shift, their bodies integrated with the System a bit more. Cell by cell, they grew stronger. There was no stat change. The stats became more effective.
Unknowingly, Tom and Luke were doing exactly what the System intended: They were getting better. Every day. Without breaks.
I want my readers to be as confused as my characters, but I think this bit of insight is worth breaking that wall for. They do figure this out later, mostly. It’s not _necessary_ here.
One big LitRPG issue is “Why is our intrepid hero overpowered? Why isn’t everyone like this?” This is part of the answer to that question. It’s not so much giving away System secrets, although it does that; it’s answering the “why these guys?” question.
It must be the narrator. They don’t know. Or nothing at all, which could work. I’ll need to ask about this one, specifically. I think it works, but I also wrote it, so my judgement is suspect.
I got sucked into my own story trying to hunt the narrator. I’m not sure how to feel about that. Anyway, the narrator tried to ambush me in chapter 13, but I saw him!
He walked back into the deserted bar/dining area, looked it over, and choose a table in the middle.
“Lupa,” he said, “sit facing out so you’re guarding Tom’s back.” He would later swear he heard her reply “duh”. At least that was the way he told the story.
Wow! Flash-forward from hell in the narrators voice! If it threw me out, it will throw anyone out. Gone (even though I did like the foreshadowing of it).
Marked Up 