I should just start out numbering all posts. I always seem to write at least a second one. Anyway…
The back and forth between Luke and Tom, especially at the start of the book seems… off? I can’t describe it. It doesn’t flow well. Oddly the conversations Luke has with other people are better.
I know what this is, but I can’t see it clearly enough to fix it. At the beginning, Tom is unreasonably calm. To make up for that, Luke toggles. He keeps wanting to freak out then getting it under control. This makes the dialog feel “off” because one doesn’t know what to expect. Then I forget that’s happening and the “too calm” vibe comes back. It probably can be fixed, but not by me, today.
I just re-read chapter 10 to see if I could wedge in a spar (no). Luke’s not quite “Luke”, yet. Near the end he is. But he does a terrible job telling a story at the start. He gets better at that. This is intentionally bad to make the improvement noticeable. The point is: By chapter 10 he’s found his voice. All the “I’m freaking out” stuff must come before.
Reading chapter 11, the story in 10 needs to be fixed. The change is too abrupt.
There was a big deal made about needing to go back to the campgrounds and “check the truck'” But, they never even looked at the truck. Was that all about finding the dungeon and it was some kind of compulsion?
I did want to know about continuity errors. That’s an easy fix. “, truck forgotten as he realized what had happened.” I did a bit more than that, but not much.
It seemed a big jump to go from “Tom is big” to “Let’s see if Tom is bullet proof”.
This is definitely my fault. It’s the grade change, but I never say so. The grade change at level 12 is the end of chapter 9. The “see if Tom is bullet proof” scene is in chapter 12, in which Luke levels-up to 12. That means a spar in chapter 10 or 11 that shows the disparity between them. No room for it in chapter 10. I can’t put it at the end of 9 because Luke’s wiped out from sparing, already. It could go before bed in Chapter 11. But…
when they met the family with the little mage girl. I thought they were going to go monster hunting, either with or without the girl but they just took off and went to town.
I feel safe being a little indignant at that. It’s not wrong, but “the family with the little mage girl” (the Spanbauers) just found out the guys are werewolves. Would you want to go hunting with them right after finding out? No reason I can’t make that explicit, though.
The hunt that was skipped (now with new and improved reasons!) was going to occur in that space. They’re sleeping in the Spanbauers’ hay loft. Do they really want to spar with an audience? It would make an impression. And there is nowhere else to put it. Without that, there is no evidence of the grade change improvement. I’m not feeling very fight-y. Time for a soundtrack change… Minotaur Music for Workout Labyrinth Strength sounds interesting (and totally AI).
Update: And I left the browser tab unsaved last night. Posted.
Marked Up 