I forgot to write something down about the stable diffusion settings. This round is different. Not necessarily horrible, but, well, mostly horrible.
I’m getting ridiculously bulging cartoons. For example:

Something kind-of like that would actually work. It meets all the criteria (except having room for the text). It’s more abstract than I have in mind, but thematically, it works. I think it’s both too cartoon-y and too bulge-y.
This one, too:

Everything has that plastic/cartoon look to it and ripped jeans. It’s 42% through the run to 600 (so should finish sometime tomorrow evening). I’m going to just let it run, but I don’t think any of these are candidates.
Update: I’m pretty sure this is the same prompt I used last time.
orange eyes, two distinct people (large black wolf:1.1) AND (muscular man:1.1) wearing jeans, [bulge], tight white t-shirt, boots, axe, outside, dry hills, moonlight, fantasy style, low angle
IIRC, there’s something you need to configure for the parentheses (higher priority) and brackets [lower priority] to work. Adding “new” in front of “jeans” will hopefully take care of the ripped jeans.