Bestseller? Seriously?

I was looking around for alpha readers for the first third (or so) of my book. When I mentioned it to one of my acquaintances, he asked if I had read Dungeon Crawler Carl. Not only had I not read it, I’d never heard of it.

Lo, these many weeks later, I’m in a bookstore to buy a t-shirt (don’t ask) and what do I see on an end-cap but Dungeon Crawler Carl. It has New York Times Bestseller plastered all over it. I would normally take that as a sign to run as fast as I can in the other direction, but… It was recommended and it’s the genre I’m writing in. I bought my first paperback in years. (And it’s very strange to physically turn pages, now.)

It’s not good. It’s not even sort-of good. If I had downloaded it from Kindle Unlimited, I would have returned it by now. I’ve made it to page 35. Since I paid $25, which is about 80 books on KU, for it, I’ll finish it, eventually, but I’m in no rush.

It’s in first-person. To be fair, first-person is really hard to write well. Here’s a tip: Your characters should never address the reader. You, the author, can address the reader. Your characters cannot. Book meet wall.

It info-dumps. It info-dumps via dialog, but that is still an info-dump. Here’s a tip: Show, don’t tell. Having another character explain things is not “showing”. Actually, since it’s happening via dialog, it’s almost “telling” by definition. Book meet wall.

Update: Ceaseless Horizons is worse. Carl stopped info-dumping (see update below). This thing is still info-dumping at page 135 as the master explains how everything works to his young apprentice. It’s not as dense, but it will not stop!

I should have known better. I already know that everything the New York Times says is a lie. On the bright side, if the guy who recommended it liked that, my book stands a decent chance of getting positive alpha-reader feedback.

Have I read worse Indie books? Most definitely. Did I pay $25 for the privilege? Hell no.

Off to finish off Chapter 7. Our intrepid heroes are fighting a chupacabra and my sentences are too long. Fights are fast. Descriptions need to read fast. Short sentences work. They’re hard to write. Subordinate clauses sneak in. They must be banished (before they become cumbersome, leading the reader into peripheral details, which detract from the speed of the fight; we can’t have that).

Update (at page 231; about half): It gets better. It occurred to me that this is probably most of the readers’ first LitRPG book, let alone a livestream dungeon crawl. That justifies some info-dumping. It’s still a bit much, but it has eased off and become smaller tidbits; more info-fart than info-dump. The character has stopped talking to the reader. He has also stopped thinking in first person. His thoughts are just statements. It’s a huge improvement.

The Rise of the Winter Wolf is a much better livestream dungeon crawl.

Chapter 7 not-surprise: The chupacabra is dead. I wonder if all authors mime their fight scenes? Tom’s got an axe, which is actually a splitting maul, but he doesn’t know that, yet. It will be embarrassing, later. The point being: It has lots of momentum so I need to figure out where it’s going and how he can bring it around to where it needs to be. While I know the difference between an axe and a maul, I did have to lookup the names of the head parts. My goodness. It’s as bad as armor parts (pauldrons, greaves, vambraces, etc…).

• Bit: The sharpened blade that performs the cut; may include a beard (extended lower portion) for increased cutting surface. 
• Cheeks: The flat sides of the head that guide the blade through wood and contribute to balance. 
• Eye: The hole in the head where the handle (haft) is inserted and secured with a wedge. 
• Poll/Butt: The blunt end opposite the bit, often used for hammering or balancing the tool. 
• Lugs: The parts of the head that extend below the poll to increase contact with the handle, ensuring the head stays secure. 
• Heel and Toe: The bottom and top corners of the bit, respectively, which influence how the axe bites into the wood. 

English sure does like its words. I’m starting to appreciate AI assistance.

The good news, from the author’s (me!) perspective, is that our intrepid heroes have no clue how to fight so the fact that I don’t know how to fight is not (yet) a problem. They are self aware enough to realize that they’re making it up as they go and could really use a trainer. One will show up, eventually. Then the writing gets harder. I wonder if there is anyone around here who teaches melee fighting…

Update: Done. I’m not reading the next one. I hate this world. Everything is nasty, if not downright evil. One noob cannot fix that.

Since I’m interleaving this review with my book progress…

The System arrives and people get powers. The big change with that (leaving aside the obvious) is that suddenly there is a level playing field. Joe the Plumber is as powerful as Vlad the Impaler. They’re both level 1 noobs.

Once things settle out, there will be a hierarchy that will be difficult to unseat. The level 1000 person ruling Earth with an iron fist will be very difficult for those of lower levels (and younger means lower-level, generally) to overthrow.

In the meantime (and who knows if that will happen), everyone has an equal, if not always fair, chance to make of themselves and their surroundings what they will. I doubt there will be a planet-wide government any more than there is one, now, and for the same reasons. Maybe eventually, but not anytime soon.

The hellish dystopia into which Carl is thrown is most definitely not my multiverse. Given how big a multiverse is, such things no doubt exist. However, I have no desire at all to read about them, let alone write about them.